Delicious Chocolate Cupcakes with Vanilla Bean SMBC


Before you get cupcakes we need to talk about masturbation.  Generally speaking, I have Masturbation filed away under “Bodily Functions” aka “Things I will not talk about ever and I get abnormally (even for me) awkward if you make me.” Recent events have forced me to acknowledge masturbation and it has become an integral part of my daily life. Literally daily. Masturbation happens every. single. day. *shudder*

I found my roommate on Craiglist. She was fine to live with, extremely, EXTREMELY smart and also liked cats. She’s married but her husband lives out of the country for work. I’ve met the guy several times and he’s great. He is also EXTREMELY smart. (We’re talking cutting open brains and trying cure diseases smart)

Around the beginning of February, everything changed. She started having phone sex multiple times every day. I really want to stress that this happens EVERYDAY. The first time it happened I simply thought “gee, I’m sure she misses her husband, this was bound to happen eventually” so I popped in my ear buds and went to sleep. A few hours later when I woke up, they were still going at it.

I didn’t see her for over a week (she was locked in her room doing…you know) but when she finally emerged from her den  of phone love, she told me allllllllll about how she decided to divorce her husband for a man she met on the internet. What? My roommate is a neuroscientist and he is a front desk clerk at a hotel.

We live in a tiny apartment and I think the builders may have forgotten to use any insulation because I can hear everything. (And the time she accidentally left her door open, I could really hear everything.)

Since the phone is always on speaker (hands free!), I am now very accustomed to the sound of his orgasm. He’s from Omaha so he’s being referred to as Oh-Oh-OHHHHHHHHmaha in my group of friends. I hate my life so hard sometimes.

I just wish I could make you all feel as awkward as I have been feeling.

To avoid reality, I have been frequenting the gym every evening and running the mixer which is where cupcakes come into play.

Chocolate Cupcakes

adapted from this sexy lady

  • 3/4 cup unsweetened extra dark cocoa powder (you can use regular)
  • 1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
  • 1 1/2 cups sugar
  • 1 1/2 teaspoons baking soda
  • 3/4 teaspoon baking powder
  • 3/4 teaspoon salt
  • 2 large eggs
  • 3/4 cup warm water
  • 3/4 cup buttermilk –> I used faux-buttermilk (3/4c almond milk +1 T lemon Juice)
  • 4 tablespoons melted butter
  • 1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract

Preheat oven to 350F and line your muffin tin. Combine all the ingredients and fill the liners 2/3ish full.

Bake for 12-15 minutes or until a tooth pick comes out clean. Approximately. My oven is wonky so they baked pretty quickly. Rotate halfway through baking.

Let them cool for about 10 minutes and then set them on a wire rack to finish cooling.

Vanilla Bean Swiss Meringue Buttercream (aka best frosting ever)

5 egg whites

1.5 c sugar

1lb (4 sticks) butter (Room temp, cut into tablespoons. it will warm up faster and is easier to add to mixture)

pinch of salt

1 t vanilla extract

1 vanilla bean

First off, you do not have to use the vanilla bean, but it does make the frosting that much more incredible.

Split open your bean and scoop out the caviar. Combine it in a bowl with your sugar. (Note: it’s best if you run the caviar/sugar through a food processor and then strain it otherwise you might have clumps of seeds and some stringy bits of the pod mixed in) add the eggs whites to the bowl and mix. Place the bowl over a pot of simmering water (Another note: the bottom of the bowl should not touch the water) and whisk it constantly until all the sugar is dissolved. (More notes: stick your fingers into the bowl and rub the mixture between two fingers, when you can no longer feel the granules of sugar you are good to go!)

Remove the bowl from the heat and whip the mixture until it cools. You can feel the bottom of the bowl for the temp. The egg and sugar mixture is going to be thick and frothy and it is time to add the butter. Add 1-2 pats of butter and whip until fully incorporated and then add another 1-2 pats. Repeat until you have used ALL the butter. Add in your pinch of salt and vanilla extract. (Note: I skip the salt since I use salted butter. Apparently you’re not supposed to use salted butter but I do what I want, bitches. Unsalted butter is gross.) And it’s done!

Now, if you havent made a SMBC before you may come across some issues. I made it last Summer for the first time and freaked out because it was runny and looked NOTHING like what I saw on the internet. (I had made a 5-layer cake so it called for a TON of frosting and 9 sticks of butter. Nine. As in 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, NINE sticks) But since the internet has everything I found out that all I needed to do was stick in the fridge for about 30 minutes and then re-whip it. Worked perfectly.  Alternatively, the frosting can look like it’s separating (looks disgusting), but don’t freak out just keep on whipping it and it will come together. I promise!

Now that your frosting is done you can pipe it onto your cupcakes or spread it or spoon it into your face. I dont give a shit what you do with it.

I ate 3 of these stupid things and then curled into a ball and cried about what a fatty I am and then I felt too guilty to go to the gym which just made me feel guiltier and fattier and I deserved to just lie around the apartment like a sad blob listening to my roommate and oh-oh-ohhhmaha having phonesex all day and night.



ps. since a sane person might accidentally read this, yeah I know I could say something to her about being too loud….but that’s more awkwardness than I could bear.


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