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Zucchini “Pasta” and more importantly a poached egg because I really wanted to eat a poached egg…really bad

1. Julienne your zucchini. Please use either a mandolin or a julienne peeler gadget because just thinking about you slowly slicing a zucchini into little julienned ribbons with a knife drives me insane. Just don’t do that, for me. XO

Note: for this meal I used 3/4 of a MASSIVE zucchini, it made, like, 1.5 cups of “noodles” ish.

2. Place the “pasta” into a colander and cover with salt. Now some jerk is going to be like “But HOW MUCH salt did you use??” I have no idea, when did I start measuring things? The only time I used a measuring up was later on when I needed something to crack my egg into. Just sprinkle it with enough salt so if feels like each little noodle has been salted.

3. Let it still for 5 minutes.

4. Slice jalapeno. Immediately touch eye.

4 b. Remove corn from cob and touch eye just one more time to make sure it’s still burning

5. Saute jalapeno and corn in a little bit of olive oil – I added a pinch of salt and some garlic powder cause I was too lazy to mince a clove of garlic. And garlic also burns your eyeball. Oh, and red pepper flakes because the jalapeno wasn’t enough.

6. During 5, poach your egg. And just FYI, in order to poach an egg it needs to be slowly cooked in simmering water NOT made in a little cheater cup. Thats just a stupid egg and no one wants to top their dinner with a “stupid egg” cause that would be STUPID.

THIS IS POACHING AN EGG

THIS IS BEING AN ASSHOLE

7. Go back to your zuke pasta that has been sitting for 5 minutes, if you had your colander sitting over a bowl you should notice that your zuke tinkled a little, thats good. Rinse the zuke and squeeze out all the excess water. Move to a serving dish.

8. Mix corn/jalapeno mix into the zucchini, it’ll be just hot enough to warm everything.

9. Serve yourself. Top with a magical poached egg. I love you poached eggs, forever.

Look, this is totally almost like a real recipe! Kinda. Minus sanity and the ingredient list.

This was actually surprisingly delicious. I foresee eating zucchini pasta at least once (or 5 times) a week until I get sick of it.

Ps. I was totally going to do a post with a bunch of pictures from Europe with some commentary but there were too many pictures and I got hungover/tired just thinking about the trip. So…eventually.

Baci,

Mae

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How is it already April?

I have been neglectful of this blog because I’ve been (98%) vegan for the past month. Consequently, I haven’t been baking much.

More importantly, I go to Paris in:

28 days
691 hours
41471 minutes
2488295 seconds

I am real excited.

Between veganism and learning French (watching French movies and google mapping Paris), I managed to do/eat these things:

 

I used these things to make a cake for my boss’ birthday….because I am a terrible assistant and need to make up for that in cake.

The finished product was a chocolate stout cake with baileys swiss meringue buttercream topped with a jameson ganache. I didn’t eat any of it, but my bosses told me that I should quit them and make cakes for a living. I guess they liked it.

These are chocolate vegan cupcakes. The cake part was great and I will definitely make it again. I found it in my MS cupcake book. The frosting was…painfully sweet and…gross (Shortening, confectioners sugar, vanilla and almond milk. Guinea pig 1 agreed that the frosting was poopoo but guinea pig 2 was like “vegan, what? frooooosting, mmmmm.”

Buffalo “chicken” wings. I deep fried tofu and it was awesome. It’s probably best that I don’t use my deep fryer all that often, its just so dangerous.

Ch-ch-ch-chia! I eat chia seeds for breakfast most mornings. But I want to make sure I really stress this point because it is important: chia seeds are really fucking weird. You add water or milk to them and let them sit for a few minutes and they get all…jelly. Totally weird.

Vegan pizza. I used shredded Daiya cheese for the first time and it was great! …until it was cold. The daiya “cheese” got all soggy and squishy and gross. Cold pizza is my favorite thing and this ruined it.

Coconut milk ice cream. Also weird, but not bad. It takes some getting used to but it satisfies my craving for ice cream AND I don’t want to eat the whole pint at once. So that’s good.

Whole Food’s cold bar rocks my little vegan world. I do random drop-bys to see if they have any more of those vegan wontons. They were life changing. Life. Change. Ing. Also, I’ve eaten that seitan marsala at least 5 times.

NON VEGAN!  YEAH! I needed to bring something to a friend’s house for Game of Thrones night. I had left over guinness cupcakes so I filled them with a jameson creme (holy moly could you taste the whiskey!).

Then I topped them with a simple Baileys buttercream and sugar pearls because I am fucking fancy.

I have secured my invite back for next week. Seriously, I only have friends because I can bake.

I can’t wait to go to France and stop being a vegan. I need to put cheese in my face so bad. SO BAD! GET IN MY FACE CHEESES!!!!!

An apple will have to do for now 😦

 

Mae

 

Veganism and Non-Vegan Cake

10 Reasons why I am going to be vegan (sometimes)

1. To achieve better overall health.
2. Eggs and I are currently on the outs.
3. No more accidental bites of gristle (I shudder just thinking about that).
4. Because I am creepy and JM is a part-time vegan and I kinda want to be her. (A lot)
5. Every time I type vegan, I spell it v-e-g-a-s. Literally every single time. And that is pretty awesome.
6. To be thinner
7. Fruits and veggies are delicious
8. Almond milk > cow titty milk
9. Also, so I never type “cow titty milk” because that’s weird.
10. I don’t need to eat nearly as much cheese as I currently do.

This hasn’t started yet, but it WILL. Tomorrow night when my groceries get delivered! (Yes, I do live one block away from safeway and 3 blocks from whole foods but still insist on ordering my groceries online.)

One of my most favorite friends recently celebrated her 25th birthday. I made the birthday cake for her surprise party, since that is pretty much all I am good for. Now, as much as I hate to toot my own horn, the cake was really fucking good and I wanted a lot more than the dainty ladylike slice I gave myself.

The BEST part about cakes is I can’t “forget” a couple pieces of it at home that I “accidentally” shovel into my face later on. Stupid cupcakes.

Funfetti Butter Cake with Vanilla Buttercream

2 c all purpose flour
1 Tbs baking powder
1/2 tsp salt
3/4 c butter, room temperature
1 1/2 c sugar
2 tsp vanilla extract
1 c milk
5 large egg whites, room temperature
¼ c multi-colored nonpareils or jimmies (balls or sticks for the less fancy) and by “1/4 c” I mean I didnt measure at all I just went “AAHAHAHHHHHHHH SPRINKLES!>!>>!>”

I HATE WRITING RECIPES YOU JERKS.

Preheat at 350F. Grease 2 9” round pans and LINE THEM WITH PARCHMENT PAPER. This is really important. It might seem like an annoying, unnecessary step but you’re wrong. There is nothing worse than trying to remove a cake from a pan and it’s all like, “Nope.” And then it crumbles into a thousand pieces of cake. Main point, unless you are going to be making cake balls, line your goddamn pan.

Sift together flour, baking powder and salt. In another bowl mix butter until its fluffy and then mix in the sugar and then vanilla.  Alternately beat in the flour mixture and the milk.

In ANOTHER bowl beat 5 egg whites until you have stiff peaks. Gently fold it in the cake batter.

And then, delicately mix in your desired amount of sprinkles.

Pour into your greased and LINED cake pans and bake for…until they are done minutes. Just keep an eye on it and test it with a tooth pick.

Let them cool before assembling cake.

Vanilla Buttercream

1 c (2 sticks) butter (room temp)
2 lbs confectioners suger
½ c milk
2 T vanilla extract
a couple drops of your desired color because white frosting is boring.

Beat together butter and sugar and then add milk and vanilla. Add the color when its done.

And then frost yo cake!

This has nothing to do with cake or being vegan, but whenever you guys make fun of me for being a crazy cat lady just remember that I am not crazy enough for my friends to make me a cat shaped collage made from cat pictures.

xo,

mae

Recipe for sad, lonely single girls

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Recipe for sad, lonely single girls who aren’t supposed to be eating carbs (especially after yesterday’s cupcakes….I’ll write about that later).

I want a roll. A roll. Just one, not a fucking dozen. Why? Because I would eat all twelve of them and LIKE it.

I searched the Internet high and low (first couple pages of google) looking for a recipe for one single roll. Why don’t people just want to make one roll? I don’t have 4 children (thank you, baby j), friends over or a desire to get fatter. Am I the only person like this???

Since I am awesome, I decided I would make my own recipe. And then, I did it. I know, awesome.

The recipe resulted in 2 rolls and I can live with that.

Single-Girl Rolls

1/2 T yeast
1/2 T sugar
1/4 c warm water
Combine and allow to get all foamy for approx 10 minutes

Mix in:
1 T egg (it’s one third of an egg. Did you know there were 3T of egg in an egg? Now you do.)
1 T butter
Pinch of salt
3/4 c + 2 T flour

Knead briefly cause your too lazy for lots of kneading. Lightly oil a bowl and let the dough rise in a nice warm spot cause you loooove it like a baby.

Knead it again (for a while this time) and separate into two even balls allow the rolls to rise. I stuck them in a lightly warmed over for about an hour.

Brush some butter on top of the rolls and add some sesame or poppy seeds if it suits you.

Preheat oven to 350F (take the rolls out first) and bake for approximately 12 minutes or until the are golden brown (and not burned).

Top one with BBQ pulled chicken and eat it while watching the walking dead, because wtf else would you be doing on a Sunday night? Oh golly, please don’t say watching the Oscar’s because that would make you sooooo lame. Ugh.

Mae

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Juicing makes me sad.

Since I am a crazy person, it makes perfect sense that I decided to do a juice fast. Fat Sick and Nearly Dead – watch it, it’s absolutely worth your time. If you are anything like me, be careful. You may promptly decide to buy a juicer and fast.

I love my little juicer. He is cute and small and I feel like he needs my love. (I predict him breaking in under a month, I like it rough with my appliances.)

Anyway, screw juice.

Juice is nice every once in a while and is a wonderful way to make sure you get multiple servings of fruits and veggies.  It is however STUPID when it’s all you get to “eat.” Stupid.

Last night, I needed to stop buy the grocery store to buy more beets** and I had to walk right past the chicken strips. I FUCKING LOVE CHICKEN STRIPS!! (<— hey, maybe one of the reasons why I am a fatass????) And furthermore, it is stupid Bagel-Day in the office. Stupidstupidstupid.

This is extra hard because I don’t have anyone else to blame for my misery. This is all my doing. I really like blaming other people for my problems, it makes me feel good.

So, whatever, I’m sad but I’ll be healthy. Ugh.

M

** Beets make my urine super red. It is disturbing and weird. TMI – you’re welcome.

Almond Milk

Holy balls. I am never drinking regular milk ever again*.

It’s healthy and delicious and I love it!

XO

 

 

* Does not apply to baking. I am more than happy to make my friends fat. xoxo

[Insert something witty, funny and perhaps inspirational here]

I write myself these little shopping lists while I am at work.  Ten times out of ten I forget them on my desk.  Which means that tonight I will probably forget the flour (seriously, I’ve forgotten it no less than 6 times) and buy bologna instead of bacon. ‘Cause my brain is special.  I will also probably forget that I really, REALLY want to make macaroni and cheese tonight. Frozen burritos may be in my near future.

I bought a pumpkin. I wanted to eat the pumpkin seeds, so I did. But then I felt kinda bad about my maimed pumpkin so I hacked at it and threw it outside. Yay! holidays!

I was THISCLOSE to walking precincts a couple weekends ago, unfortunately (supersadface), the plans fell through.  I made cookies in preparation for the trip and then just gave them to my office.  This was my first time playing with fondant – I LOVED IT! I am ready to cover a cake with it!

You may or may not know that I spend a lot of time dicking around on the internet. I have to do it. I need it. During one of my internet nonsense binges, I saw a thing on roasted pears. I thought “Holy crap! I want to eat that! Now!” I didn’t stop to consider that I couldn’t remember the last time I had actually eaten a pear AND I hate caramel (and caramel happens when sugar and water hang out at high temperatures.) I was undeterred (being oblivious to reality really helps with that). There was butter and sugar and vanilla – all good things.  Anyways, long story short – it was disgusting.  My roommate loved it. Things I confirmed with that experiment: I’m not into pears and I still hate caramel. I’m not putting a recipe cause I’m still bitter about it.

MOST EXCITING NEWS EVERRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!

Puscifer is going to be in town in 26 days! Now, the $200 concert ticket may have been a tiny bit irresponsible, but it came with a wine tasting. It would be foolish to not go. FOOLISH.

http://www.artistdirect.com/entertainment-news/article/puscifer-exclusively-premieres-the-music-video-for-conditions-of-my-parole-the-director-s-cut-on-artistdirect-com/9745163
XOXO,

M