Zucchini “Pasta” and more importantly a poached egg because I really wanted to eat a poached egg…really bad

1. Julienne your zucchini. Please use either a mandolin or a julienne peeler gadget because just thinking about you slowly slicing a zucchini into little julienned ribbons with a knife drives me insane. Just don’t do that, for me. XO

Note: for this meal I used 3/4 of a MASSIVE zucchini, it made, like, 1.5 cups of “noodles” ish.

2. Place the “pasta” into a colander and cover with salt. Now some jerk is going to be like “But HOW MUCH salt did you use??” I have no idea, when did I start measuring things? The only time I used a measuring up was later on when I needed something to crack my egg into. Just sprinkle it with enough salt so if feels like each little noodle has been salted.

3. Let it still for 5 minutes.

4. Slice jalapeno. Immediately touch eye.

4 b. Remove corn from cob and touch eye just one more time to make sure it’s still burning

5. Saute jalapeno and corn in a little bit of olive oil – I added a pinch of salt and some garlic powder cause I was too lazy to mince a clove of garlic. And garlic also burns your eyeball. Oh, and red pepper flakes because the jalapeno wasn’t enough.

6. During 5, poach your egg. And just FYI, in order to poach an egg it needs to be slowly cooked in simmering water NOT made in a little cheater cup. Thats just a stupid egg and no one wants to top their dinner with a “stupid egg” cause that would be STUPID.



7. Go back to your zuke pasta that has been sitting for 5 minutes, if you had your colander sitting over a bowl you should notice that your zuke tinkled a little, thats good. Rinse the zuke and squeeze out all the excess water. Move to a serving dish.

8. Mix corn/jalapeno mix into the zucchini, it’ll be just hot enough to warm everything.

9. Serve yourself. Top with a magical poached egg. I love you poached eggs, forever.

Look, this is totally almost like a real recipe! Kinda. Minus sanity and the ingredient list.

This was actually surprisingly delicious. I foresee eating zucchini pasta at least once (or 5 times) a week until I get sick of it.

Ps. I was totally going to do a post with a bunch of pictures from Europe with some commentary but there were too many pictures and I got hungover/tired just thinking about the trip. So…eventually.




How is it already April?

I have been neglectful of this blog because I’ve been (98%) vegan for the past month. Consequently, I haven’t been baking much.

More importantly, I go to Paris in:

28 days
691 hours
41471 minutes
2488295 seconds

I am real excited.

Between veganism and learning French (watching French movies and google mapping Paris), I managed to do/eat these things:


I used these things to make a cake for my boss’ birthday….because I am a terrible assistant and need to make up for that in cake.

The finished product was a chocolate stout cake with baileys swiss meringue buttercream topped with a jameson ganache. I didn’t eat any of it, but my bosses told me that I should quit them and make cakes for a living. I guess they liked it.

These are chocolate vegan cupcakes. The cake part was great and I will definitely make it again. I found it in my MS cupcake book. The frosting was…painfully sweet and…gross (Shortening, confectioners sugar, vanilla and almond milk. Guinea pig 1 agreed that the frosting was poopoo but guinea pig 2 was like “vegan, what? frooooosting, mmmmm.”

Buffalo “chicken” wings. I deep fried tofu and it was awesome. It’s probably best that I don’t use my deep fryer all that often, its just so dangerous.

Ch-ch-ch-chia! I eat chia seeds for breakfast most mornings. But I want to make sure I really stress this point because it is important: chia seeds are really fucking weird. You add water or milk to them and let them sit for a few minutes and they get all…jelly. Totally weird.

Vegan pizza. I used shredded Daiya cheese for the first time and it was great! …until it was cold. The daiya “cheese” got all soggy and squishy and gross. Cold pizza is my favorite thing and this ruined it.

Coconut milk ice cream. Also weird, but not bad. It takes some getting used to but it satisfies my craving for ice cream AND I don’t want to eat the whole pint at once. So that’s good.

Whole Food’s cold bar rocks my little vegan world. I do random drop-bys to see if they have any more of those vegan wontons. They were life changing. Life. Change. Ing. Also, I’ve eaten that seitan marsala at least 5 times.

NON VEGAN!  YEAH! I needed to bring something to a friend’s house for Game of Thrones night. I had left over guinness cupcakes so I filled them with a jameson creme (holy moly could you taste the whiskey!).

Then I topped them with a simple Baileys buttercream and sugar pearls because I am fucking fancy.

I have secured my invite back for next week. Seriously, I only have friends because I can bake.

I can’t wait to go to France and stop being a vegan. I need to put cheese in my face so bad. SO BAD! GET IN MY FACE CHEESES!!!!!

An apple will have to do for now 😦




Juicing makes me sad.

Since I am a crazy person, it makes perfect sense that I decided to do a juice fast. Fat Sick and Nearly Dead – watch it, it’s absolutely worth your time. If you are anything like me, be careful. You may promptly decide to buy a juicer and fast.

I love my little juicer. He is cute and small and I feel like he needs my love. (I predict him breaking in under a month, I like it rough with my appliances.)

Anyway, screw juice.

Juice is nice every once in a while and is a wonderful way to make sure you get multiple servings of fruits and veggies.  It is however STUPID when it’s all you get to “eat.” Stupid.

Last night, I needed to stop buy the grocery store to buy more beets** and I had to walk right past the chicken strips. I FUCKING LOVE CHICKEN STRIPS!! (<— hey, maybe one of the reasons why I am a fatass????) And furthermore, it is stupid Bagel-Day in the office. Stupidstupidstupid.

This is extra hard because I don’t have anyone else to blame for my misery. This is all my doing. I really like blaming other people for my problems, it makes me feel good.

So, whatever, I’m sad but I’ll be healthy. Ugh.


** Beets make my urine super red. It is disturbing and weird. TMI – you’re welcome.

Almond Milk

Holy balls. I am never drinking regular milk ever again*.

It’s healthy and delicious and I love it!




* Does not apply to baking. I am more than happy to make my friends fat. xoxo

The worst pain I have ever felt.

I take a lot of precautions to avoid hurting myself because I am a wimpy little princess.  The kitchen is the only place that seems to not care that I am super sensitive.  I don’t mind the nicks, cuts, singes, etc because whatever I’m making is usually worth it.  Although, that one time I nearly julienned my finger on my new mandolin was pretty brutal.

Sunday, I got to experience a whole new level of pain – YAY!  Melted sugar.  (back story: I keep most of my baking supplies in the freezer because Ants.)  I took out my brown sugar and popped it into the microwave for 20 seconds.  I opened the door and grabbed the bag out.  I blame the microwave entirely for this, because it shouldnt have had this reaction – the bottom of the bag had melted and the sugar had liquified.  Being the generally obvious ditz that I am, I didn’t notice this until the molten sugar oozed out of the bag and onto my hand.  We’re going to slow this down:

Seconds 1 – 5: Stare at hand/bag blankly….wtf?

Seconds 6-7: Scream absolute bloody murder

Seconds 8-9: Fling bag across kitchen, stare at hand – do not stop screaming

Seconds 10-11: Run to sink and run hand under water, whimper loudly.

I put my hand in a bowl of cold water and then took the most logical step – I called mommy.

This is my hand right after the incident:

I iced it for over and hour, but it still hurt HORRIBLY.

And then…..this son of a bitch started to form:

Annnnnd here’s my new little friend fully grown:

It’s gross and I can’t bend my middle finger at all (mostly for fear of breakage/ooze).

After the incident I decided to look at the internet to see if there was anyone else as retarded as myself.  People burn themselves on sugar ALL THE TIME.

Because I can sit and google things for hours, my searches turned to croquembouche (A tower of pastry heaven glued and topped with melted sugar).  I think I should conquer my new fear of sugar by making one of these beasts. You know, when my hand heals.

The picture at the top is what I was making when the incident occurred. Crockpot BBQ pulled pork on pumpkin dinner rolls.


This post has been sitting here for about a week and a half.  The blister went away and my wound was bright red and deathly looking:

^^^Not pictured: How much it fucking hurt.

Its kinda scabby and gross right now. I better have a neat scar after all of this.