The Hanger-Tangle and How It Took Over My Closet.

or, How I was almost featured on Hoarders…..

Click here for a photo that is awesome and applicable but stupid wordpress wont put it in my stupid blog post. Talk about first world problems.

I moved into my current apartment back in June. It’s fine, nothing too special (except for the connected bathroom which makes me the happiest person in the whole world – I constantly get undressed to shower before I realize there are no towels in the bathroom, so it’s nice to have that extra privacy).

The house I lived in before had a tiny closet. TINY, tiny. It was sad, but I eventually adapted…in time to move again.

The closet in my current apartment is by no means huge, but is much, much larger than what I had previously. When I moved in and begin the torturous process of unpacking, I discovered that the previous tenant left behind clothes hangers.

I KNOW, you are probably thinking “Score! I never have enough clothes hangers!!” Wrong. Wrong, wrong. There were so many hangers hanging on the rods that there was no room for mine. Since I was drunk on champagne (how do you unpack?), I decided that I needed to keep all the hangers, you know, just in case my closet doubles in size. YOU NEVER KNOW! I also had grandiose thoughts of buying a freestanding clothing rack (I don’t have space for that nonsense). Going against logic, I decided to pack up all of my hangers and about half of the hangers in the closet into a large trash bag.

I then had a massive, awkward bag of hangers….and no place to put it. Closet floor it was!

The bag was fine for a few weeks and somehow the bag sprung a leak. Before I knew it, the hangers had breached their packaging and created a massive hanger-tangle on my closet floor.

I really did try to stop the hanger-tangle before it got out of hand, but I would pick up one hanger and the whole hanger-tangle would come at me. So, I did the next best thing: ignored it and more drank champagne.

The hanger-tangle prevented me from actually going into my closet because if I stepped on the hanger-tangle I would be acknowledging its existence….also I might not make it back out (Cause of death: Hanger-Tangle-Strangulation. Also, cat ate her face off.) I would have to precariously lean in and out to hang clothes up or find something to wear (whatever, I’m used to being awkward). If I dropped something and wasn’t able to catch it mid-fall, it was gone. A silk shirt slipped through my fingers? Gone, the hanger-tangle had it now. Shoes? No, I don’t have any shoes in here, the hanger-tangle does though.

The hanger-tangle had completely taken over my closet and I didn’t know what to do. I stopped hanging things in my closet. My shoes lived scattered all over the place (okay, that has nothing to do with the hanger-tangle). The elephant in the room had gotten so big that there was only one logical thing that I could do. I closed my closet door never to be opened again.

Sunday, February 19, 2012 03:35am

I decided to reopen ~~the hive~~ my closet and see what had gone wrong. My worst fear was that the hanger-tangle would have multiplied and maybe even become self-aware??!? I went in (don’t freak out, I brought Cat with me as backup. Besides, if I was going to die in there, I didn’t want her to starve.) and was pleasantly surprised to find that the hanger-tangle had not gotten any larger, but it was still incredibly daunting.

I untangled my clothes. I untangled my shoes. I untangled my bags. I untangled those hangers.

And then, I did what I should have done on my first day there, what I should have done when the trash bag broke, what I should have done when I sealed off my closet.

I THREW THOSE WORTHLESS PLASTIC FUCKS AWAY!

I threw away 2 whole bags of plastic hangers.

I no longer have a hanger-tangle in my closet. More importantly, I no longer have to worry about maybe having to explain what the fuck a hanger-tangle is doing in my closet.

Here are some life-flaws you may have picked up on:

– I drink too much champagne (I don’t really…I drink too much of ALL alcohol, it’s being given up for lent)

– I don’t like to deal with hanger-tangles (problems) in life

– I’m the opposite of organized (well, WAS, my closet is awesome right now)

– I do my spring cleaning between 11pm and 5am on Saturday nights.

– Yes, my cat and I are single….how’d you know?

[Insert something witty, funny and perhaps inspirational here]

Oct31

I write myself these little shopping lists while I am at work. Ten times out of ten I forget them on my desk. Which means that tonight I will probably forget the flour (seriously, I’ve forgotten it no less than 6 times) and buy bologna instead of bacon. ‘Cause my brain is special. I will also probably forget that I really, REALLY want to make macaroni and cheese tonight. Frozen burritos may be in my near future.

I bought a pumpkin. I wanted to eat the pumpkin seeds, so I did. But then I felt kinda bad about my maimed pumpkin so I hacked at it and threw it outside. Yay! holidays!

I was THISCLOSE to walking precincts a couple weekends ago, unfortunately (supersadface), the plans fell through. I made cookies in preparation for the trip and then just gave them to my office. This was my first time playing with fondant – I LOVED IT! I am ready to cover a cake with it!

You may or may not know that I spend a lot of time dicking around on the internet. I have to do it. I need it. During one of my internet nonsense binges, I saw a thing on roasted pears. I thought “Holy crap! I want to eat that! Now!” I didn’t stop to consider that I couldn’t remember the last time I had actually eaten a pear AND I hate caramel (and caramel happens when sugar and water hang out at high temperatures.) I was undeterred (being oblivious to reality really helps with that). There was butter and sugar and vanilla – all good things. Anyways, long story short – it was disgusting. My roommate loved it. Things I confirmed with that experiment: I’m not into pears and I still hate caramel. I’m not putting a recipe cause I’m still bitter about it.

MOST EXCITING NEWS EVERRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!

Puscifer is going to be in town in 26 days! Now, the $200 concert ticket may have been a tiny bit irresponsible, but it came with a wine tasting. It would be foolish to not go. FOOLISH.

❤

http://www.artistdirect.com/entertainment-news/article/puscifer-exclusively-premieres-the-music-video-for-conditions-of-my-parole-the-director-s-cut-on-artistdirect-com/9745163
XOXO,

I have a funny relationship with Fun

Jul19

Usually, I prefer to avoid fun. It’s safer that way. No hangovers, no bruises, no lost (or maxed out) debit cards, loss of dignity or lack of sleep. I like my weekends to maintain a quiet calm to them, filled with junk food, TV marathons and sleep.

Things this past weekend include: More fun than I have had in a longfreakingtime, excessive $2 beers, new friends, dancing, old friends, super serious hangover, more drinking, tattoos, good food, late-night sightseeing and 5am McDonalds.

It was the best weekend ever. EVER.

Pictures of things and stuff:

HOLY COW LOOK WHAT I DID!!!!!!

Pretttyyyyyyyyyyy

This was the most amazing cake in the whole wide world. The 9 sticks of butter really helped!

Pulled pork tacos - crock pot pork with 1 can of dr pepper and 1 can of chipotles - it burned very nicely!

Ridiculously easy pulled pork

Into the crock pot goes:

Pork

Dr. Pepper

1/2 a can of chipotle peppers in adobo sauce

8 hours of low heat later – spicy pulled pork

I should have more weekends with things like this and few weekends with permanent impulse decisions!

Lying at the base of the washington monument was extremely relaxing. The hair tie about 20 feet up was distracting though - how did it get there??

The best holidays involve burning things. And booze.

Well, now that the weekend is over, I am broke and my TATTOO hurts. It feels like someone punched my hip REALLY hard and then I got a 3rd degree sunburn on top of the bruise. It doesnt feel good now and it didnt feel good getting it.

I’m thinking…..maybe this fall I could get some more? Perfect idea!

XO,

Mae

Pizza, jerky and shrimp

Jun21

Pizza Crust:

1T Yeast

1 c Hot Water

1ishT Sugar

2T Olive oil

1t Salt

2 c Flour

Mix the yeast and water together and let it sit for about 10 minutes until it is foamy

Stir in the remaining ingredients and then allow the dough to rise for a long period of time. Or, if you are lazy, preheat your oven to 200F and turn it off. Pop the bowl right on in there for about 15-20 minutes and IT WILL HAVE RISEN!

Flour your surface and knead the dough until it is a perfect pizza dough consistency. OR, if you are lazy, toss some more flour into your bowl and knead it in there. Because cleaning flour out of grout blows and, clearly, I’m LAZY.

And then just add whatever toppings make you happy.

I can’t make my pizzas in a circle so I make them rectangle on purpose. My pizza was topped with olive oil, garlic, pepperoni, tomatoes, mozzarella and basil. (I hate hate hate hate tomato sauce it’s gross and ruins pizzas.)

Bake at 350F for 20 minutes or so. I cant remember the last time I actually set a timer, I just keep checking it. Look at your pizza, if it’s burnt you fucked it up and should have taken it out sooner.

This was delicious.

I am making dinner for Mcp, F and D Saturday night. Here is the menu I have decided on:

Menu

Appetizers

Caprese Salad Skewers

Leek and Blue Cheese Toasts

Watermelon Balsamic Cubes

Main

Roasted Shrimp in White Wine and Garlic

Sides

Roasted Asparagus

Truffle Bacon “Mac n Cheese”

Dessert

6 Layer Chocolate Cake with Swiss Meringue Butter Cream

It might be a bit grandiose…but I am CONFIDENT that for the first time…ever…I will be a functioning, responsible adult on Saturday in order to make this dinner perfect.

Look – THINGS:

View from the rooftop party I went to with D last weekend

Um...this has kinda been happening a lot lately...I really need to look into getting help?

^^^ there are no words

We’ll see how the dinner turns out (Dominos???)

XO,

Mae

Someday, I WILL reproduce – ya’ll need to start getting ready

Jun17

Mcp: http://abcnews.go.com/US/babikinis-young-young/story?id=13864343
……….is it wrong that i totally love the babikini?

me: it makes me want to call you mean names
personally, I find it ADORABLE and my future offspring shall have several

Mcp: but wook at the widdle babyyyyyy
she’s so cuuuuute in her wittle babikiniiii

me: BUT YOU, Hippocrite McFace, dont like cutesy baby things
like tutus.

Mcp: huh?!
that’s totally different

me: (hippocrite mcface is my attempt at super mean names for you)

Mcp: hahhahahhahaahhahahahahaa

me: (note the usage of “hippo” and the way the reader is now drawn to YOUR FACE)
its not all that different
what the hell is your skankbaby going to wear over her babikini???

Mcp: i don’t have a problem wtih a a baby in a tutu like..occasionally
but tutus are not everyday wear
they should be worn very infrequently

me: Mine will most certainly be preserving her mosdesty with a tutu

Mcp: a tutu at the beach?!
wtf is wrong with you
my little thunderthighs hottie will be putting tanning oil on and playing beach volleyball
at the tender age of 3 monthso r so
duhh

me: visual.
we really, really need to make sure that we coordinate baby making

Mcp: hahaahahahahaha

me: so our babyskanks can slut it up on the beach
together

Mcp: omg i can’t wait
but seriously, tutu, on the beahc..retarded
tutus belong in dance studios
not on the beach

me: whatever, miniskank with ROCK it

Mcp: YOU ARE SUCH A WEIRD MOM ALREADY

Sometimes I get a little obsessed.

Jun7

That’s generally just how I work. If I am interested in something new I AM REALLY INTERESTED IN THAT NEW THING. This has included everything from sports (I still really like baseball though) to people to hobbies. I’ve been like this since I can remember. The obsessions tend to end as abruptly as they started.

Thankfully, food has been a constant. I love food. I love looking at it, reading about it, making it, touching it, etc. I just cannot get enough!

I am having a small little dinner party in a couple weeks and I AM SO EXCITED ABOUT IT! I have already started planning out decorations and working on menu options.

Apparently this scares McP!

I have already decided on dessert and apps but need to spend more time researching and brainstorming main dish / side ideas.

If you have any ideas, feel free to share!

Look….stuff I did at some point or another:

Tacos for Cinco de Mayo!

Sriracha Cheddar Swirl Bread - One of the most delicious, burning things I have ever eaten!

Sriracha Cheddar Swirl Bread
(This is from the Sriracha cook book, but I can’t be bothered with actually buying a cookbook so I just went with it)

I used my basic white bread recipe:

1 3/4 c. warm water
3T sugar
3T yeast
(let it do its thing for about 10 minutes)
mix in:
2T Olive Oil
1/2 t salt
4 c. flour

Knead it and place it in an oiled bowl and allow it to slowly rise for several hours.

But, because I am incredibly impatient, I preheat my oven to 300ish and then turn it off and open the door and then place bowl of dough in the microwave directly above the oven so the heat makes it rise. I can usually only wait about 30 minutes.

After kneading it more, flatten it into a rectangle, coat with sriracha (leaving a one inch edge), top with cheddar and then roll it and cram it into a well oiled bread pan.

Okay, here’s where things got a little tricky… I put a slit in the top but I think the problem was that I slit it too deep. Photos explain better than words what went down in my oven. (see attached.)

I scraped off the explosion and it still turned out rather nice.

Bake at 350 for awhile, maybe 20-25 minutes? take it out of the bread pan and bake it some more…..maybe another 5-10 (More often than not, I am too busy drinking to be bothered with things like measuring and timing)

I usually take the bread’s temperature to make sure its done (190) because there is nothing worse than getting drunk and accidentally eating uncooked bread.

Literally goes. on. everything.

Orzo stuffed squash

Julia Child's boeuf bourguignon, unbelieveable and absolutely worth the hours that I slaved away over this.

From my wonderful MtAoFC book (and Oprah)

Servings: Serves 6

Ingredients

9- to 10-inch, fireproof casserole dish , 3 inches deep
Slotted spoon

6 ounces bacon
1 Tbsp. olive oil or cooking oil
3 pounds lean stewing beef , cut into 2-inch cubes
1 sliced carrot
1 sliced onion
1 tsp. salt
1/4 tsp. pepper
2 Tbsp. flour
3 cups full-bodied, young red wine , such as a Chianti
2 to 3 cups brown beef stock or canned beef bouillon
1 Tbsp. tomato paste
2 cloves mashed garlic
1/2 tsp. thyme
Crumbled bay leaf
Blanched bacon rind
18 to 24 small white onions , brown-braised in stock
1 pound quartered fresh mushrooms , sautéed in butter
Parsley sprigs

Directions

Remove rind from bacon, and cut bacon into lardons (sticks, 1/4 inch thick and 1 1/2 inches long). Simmer rind and bacon for 10 minutes in 1 1/2 quarts of water. Drain and dry.

Preheat oven to 450 degrees.

Sauté the bacon in the oil over moderate heat for 2 to 3 minutes to brown lightly. Remove to a side dish with a slotted spoon. Set casserole aside. Reheat until fat is almost smoking before you sauté the beef.

Dry the stewing beef in paper towels; it will not brown if it is damp. Sauté it, a few pieces at a time, in the hot oil and bacon fat until nicely browned on all sides. Add it to the bacon.

In the same fat, brown the sliced vegetables. Pour out the sautéing fat.

Return the beef and bacon to the casserole and toss with the salt and pepper. Then sprinkle on the flour and toss again to coat the beef lightly with the flour. Set casserole uncovered in middle position of preheated oven for 4 minutes. Toss the meat and return to oven for 4 minutes more. (This browns the flour and covers the meat with a light crust.) Remove casserole, and turn oven down to 325 degrees.

Stir in the wine, and enough stock or bouillon so that the meat is barely covered. Add the tomato paste, garlic, herbs, and bacon rind. Bring to simmer on top of the stove. Then cover the casserole and set in lower third of preheated oven. Regulate heat so liquid simmers
very slowly for 2 1/2 to 3 hours. The meat is done when a fork pierces it easily.

While the beef is cooking, prepare the onions and mushrooms. Set them aside until needed.

When the melt is tender, pour the contents of the casserole into a sieve set over a saucepan. Wash out the casserole and return the beef and bacon to it. Distribute the cooked onions and mushrooms over the meat.

Skim fat off the sauce. Simmer sauce for a minute or two, skimming off additional fat as it rises. You should have about 2 1/2 cups of sauce thick enough to coat a spoon lightly. If too thin, boil it down rapidly. If too thick, mix in a few tablespoons of stock or canned bouillon. Taste carefully for seasoning. Pour the sauce over the meat and vegetables. Recipe may be completed in advance to this point.

For immediate serving: Covet the casserole and simmer for 2 to 3 minutes, basting the meat and vegetables with the sauce several times. Serve in its casserole, or arrange the stew on a platter surrounded with potatoes, noodles, or rice, and decorated with parsley.

Cake Pops! Funfetti and Vanilla coated in pink candy melts! A bit sweet for my tastes but a HUGE hit in the office.

XO,

Mae

Do they have peaches in Rwanda?

Jun3

No, they do not apparently. CJP informed of this tragedy today and my heart truly went out to her – peaches are easily in my top 3 favorite fruits. She also informed me that her only fruit options are bananas, mangoes and passion fruits. I really don’t think she should be complaining too much because that sounds like the best damn smoothie EVER. Speaking of, now that it’s summertime again, I will be breaking out my blender and smoothie cup. I fucking love smoothies. I also love CJP.

Moving is generally a long, painstaking process that responsible and mature adults start preparing for in advance. Time and time again, I prove myself to be the opposite of a responsible and mature adult. Maybe 23 will be my year. All that being said….I’m not packed. Well, not true, I am less packed than I should be at this point. I packed up all of my kitchen stuff and food and cleaned out the fridge/freezer (really, really not fun.)

Because it was 10:30pm by that time and because I am a big fat baby, I decided to just call it a night. My logic, “If I go to sleep now, I will be well rested so I can pull an all nighter tomorrow!” Sometimes I give myself the lamest excuses for procrastinating…but they seem to work on me, so who’s to blame? (Hint: not me.)

Now, due to the fact that I have completely refused to plan ahead, I will be pulling an all nighter to get this done. Yayyyy.

Best news of the day/week/month/ALL TIME: I found the name of the jerky that has been haunting my dreams. I was also able to order it online. My excitement level is really hard to sum up in words, all I can say is this jerky is all I have been able to think about since I tried it on Saturday. I’ve always enjoyed jerky, its tasty and salty and just a generally pleasant snack to have. But this jerky – Mingua Jerky, btw – is beyond anything else I have ever tasted. It was like I got blooped by delicious fire.

This is crap and not spicy and not even worth my time to rotate.

Completely hooked. It’s like the episode on IASIP where Dee and Charlie eat “human” meat and then they have The Hunger and nothing else satisfies them. Only, I dont actually have worms, I just really need this jerky.

Cake.

Let’s talk. About. Cake.

I need it. Not necessarily to eat it, but I need to create it. I want to make something beautiful and breathtaking from simple ingredients. During my downtime, I read a lot of food blogs, especially ones pertaining to confectionery orgasms.

All week long, I have been itching to bake a cake, but the whole “moving” thing has really put a damper on that plan. Once I get settled, I am going to spend more time caking and less time not caking.

IMPORTANT: When is the next birthday, holiday, excuse to make a cake? I need one, please feel free to throw out suggestions.

XO,

Mae

It’s Friday and life is NOT awful.

May27

When things suck, I generally don’t want to do anything. Things were pretty sucky for a while there – lack of money, impending homelessness, etc. This lead to somehow picking up my smoking habit again.

BUT – I have a place to live and I am getting my shit in order. I will be living in a less than desirable location, but it’s cheap and I get to keep Cat. She doesn’t even realize how close she was to getting the boot.

I just spent an incredible weekend in California and I am already eager to go back. Usually, trips home are exhausting and mentally draining. This trip was strictly for fun – no family, no seeing people I didn’t want to see and no stressful coordinating of friends’ schedules.

I spent the day/night in San Francisco and it was absolutely gorgeous. After my brief time there I would definitely consider living in SF.

My wedding date took me to my first Giants game which was AWESOME!

Yeah, I like baseball now - I even downloaded an app!

After SF, we drove to Sonoma to attend my friend’s wedding. Sonoma was gorgeous, the weather was gorgeous, my date was gorgeous, the bride was gorgeous – All of it was just lovely.

Despite desperately trying to think of a way to get out of going to CA for the wedding, I am so happy I was able to do it!

See how happy???

Now that the fun is over, I’ve caught up on sleep and secured a place to live – I have to start packing and preparing for the move. Not. Excited.

I want to eat you all the time 😦

ALSO, LOOK:

MY HAIR CAN DO A PONYTAIL!!!

Happy.

<3Mae

Things…

Apr12

I haven’t blogged in…exactly three months. Here is a quick recap that will not be in chronological order, because my brain clearly does not work that way:

– Quit my temp job (which made me a lot sadder than I should have been.)

– Found a new temp job that just recently became permanent.

– I met someone.

– Ended things with that one guy.

– Started cooking again.

Pureed spinach and leek soup topped with a beet (<3) coulis.

– Started going out too much.

MOOOOOREEEE CHAAAAAAMPAAAAGNE!

– Stopped going out all together.

– My parents came to visit for a long weekend.

Mom!

– I stopped drinking cream in my coffee.

– Started trying to read AS again. Must learn how to sit still. MAN suggested skimming, which is logical, but since when do I do things the easy way?

– Bought the CUTEST butter yellow Dutch Oven. If I were one of those people who named inanimate objects, I would call her Daisy or Paula. Even without a name I love her.

This is what happened to the first one. I cried like a baby because thats how my mental stabilty rolls....?

– I got to watch JK purchase her very first “grown-up activity security devices.”

– Experienced absolute, drunken insanity at Monster’s bday gig – I have never had that much champagne.

– Signed up for Arganica which is a fantastic local/organic food delivery service. I can select the specific groceries I want or I can do I crate. The crate is a surprise and I LOVE SURPRISES!

– Cat had kittens and those kittens were given away as quickly as possible. (Even though I wanted to keep Sylvester and JK wanted to keep Snowball/Gibbs)

Snowball ❤

I'll never forget you ❤

– Its the 12th and I haven’t paid rent because I haven’t been paid in…3 weeks. Friday’s paycheck is going to feel so good.

– I’m pretty sure I gained obscene amounts of weight from last week – the alcohol consumption, hangover foods, fancy parent-dinners. I need to figure out a detox.

– The weather has been a bi-polar bitch. It will go from absolutely freezing (usually on the weekends) to gorgeous, sunny and temperate (usually during the work week). I just need Spring to hold still for a few moments.

– I have gotten [insert mathematically derived # here]% more BFF time this semester than last. I think this has been a fairly good balance and we both do better when we have our own space.

– My hair is getting longer AND I have learned how to curl it with curlers without creating psycho, Shirley Temple hair which is the opposite of becoming on me.

Curly!

– Made new friends!

– Decided to participate in Lent, mostly because I am a glutton for punishment. I am NO more productive after giving up Netflix On Demand. And Diet Coke? Have you met Diet Dr. Pepper? Yeah. The only reason I haven’t cheated with Netflix is because SOMEONE changed my password (at my request, but whatever, not the point).

– I miss that girl in Africa, a lot.

– Purchased “Mastering the Art of French Cooking” and have made exactly 2 dishes from it. $40 well spent? Oh yes, because I have read the entire thing. (what does a nerd alert sound like?)

Juliaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

– Both of my bosses are absolutely fantastic. I got really lucky with the two of them and I hope to learn a lot during my time here.

– Braised pearl onions amazing

– Learned that I love coconut cream pie.

– Learned that I am capable of conversing, intelligently, on the telephone for long periods of time – I just have to actually like the person I am on the phone with.

– It gets darker later which means I can take naps!

I hate sharing…

Oct7

My food. I hate it and it makes me so angry when I HAVE to.

If I go to a restaurant and I order something. I want to eat it. I dont want to eat what you are eating, especially AFTER you have started eating it.

And after someone asks if I want to try their food, I hate that I am required to then offer them my food. ITS ON MY PLATE AND ITS MINE FUCK OFF!

This is why I hate to go to places that serve food family style. I just think its gross.

The other day I tried a sushi place with McP. I love Mcp, and we have been friends for a long time. But when she inevitably suggested that we split a couple rolls and pad thai dish, I immediately had that irritated feeling you get from hearing nails on a chalk board. I caved and allowed for the sharing.

Sharing is not caring. Its stupid.

Pictures from food stuff I did: