Zucchini “Pasta” and more importantly a poached egg because I really wanted to eat a poached egg…really bad

1. Julienne your zucchini. Please use either a mandolin or a julienne peeler gadget because just thinking about you slowly slicing a zucchini into little julienned ribbons with a knife drives me insane. Just don’t do that, for me. XO

Note: for this meal I used 3/4 of a MASSIVE zucchini, it made, like, 1.5 cups of “noodles” ish.

2. Place the “pasta” into a colander and cover with salt. Now some jerk is going to be like “But HOW MUCH salt did you use??” I have no idea, when did I start measuring things? The only time I used a measuring up was later on when I needed something to crack my egg into. Just sprinkle it with enough salt so if feels like each little noodle has been salted.

3. Let it still for 5 minutes.

4. Slice jalapeno. Immediately touch eye.

4 b. Remove corn from cob and touch eye just one more time to make sure it’s still burning

5. Saute jalapeno and corn in a little bit of olive oil – I added a pinch of salt and some garlic powder cause I was too lazy to mince a clove of garlic. And garlic also burns your eyeball. Oh, and red pepper flakes because the jalapeno wasn’t enough.

6. During 5, poach your egg. And just FYI, in order to poach an egg it needs to be slowly cooked in simmering water NOT made in a little cheater cup. Thats just a stupid egg and no one wants to top their dinner with a “stupid egg” cause that would be STUPID.

THIS IS POACHING AN EGG

THIS IS BEING AN ASSHOLE

7. Go back to your zuke pasta that has been sitting for 5 minutes, if you had your colander sitting over a bowl you should notice that your zuke tinkled a little, thats good. Rinse the zuke and squeeze out all the excess water. Move to a serving dish.

8. Mix corn/jalapeno mix into the zucchini, it’ll be just hot enough to warm everything.

9. Serve yourself. Top with a magical poached egg. I love you poached eggs, forever.

Look, this is totally almost like a real recipe! Kinda. Minus sanity and the ingredient list.

This was actually surprisingly delicious. I foresee eating zucchini pasta at least once (or 5 times) a week until I get sick of it.

Ps. I was totally going to do a post with a bunch of pictures from Europe with some commentary but there were too many pictures and I got hungover/tired just thinking about the trip. So…eventually.

Baci,

Mae

Breathing stresses me out right now

I’m, like, super stressed out.

I have no less that 1 billion things on my to do list – my work to do list that is, my personal to do list is 60% laundry – that needs to be done before I go on “vacation” next week.

Am I the only one who stresses out about vacation? I’m NOT RELAXED! My neat and organized Excel travel itinerary is full of GLARING GAPS AND HOLES AND UNKNOWNS because I am traveling with normal, non-anal people which stresses me out even more. Because I don’t really want people to know how weird I am.

Anyway, my to do list is doing that thing where it should be getting smaller but isn’t. For every item I cross off, there are at least two more added. Where are they coming from!? THIS IS TOO MUCH RESPONSIBILITY!

Also, I wish my title was a joke but it’s totally not. I know I’ve hit a special level of stressed when I become panicked that I might forget to breath and die. This was also probably a bad week to pick up my coffee habit again. The last thing that I need is more energy. I should probably be on meds but going to a doctor stresses me out too.

I’m just going to cover up my to do lists and read some celebrity gossip.

Oh, and wine. I’ll pick up some wine on my way home tonight. Genius.

 

M.

 

ps. There are no photos because for the last two weeks -in an attempt to not spend money/eat food- I have been binging  on Gossip Girl and other embarrassing netflix choices.

Wait, that’s a lie. Here’s some pie:

The crust made me cry. I’m not trying to rhyme on purpose, in fact it’s really annoying. My mom used to make us play the “rhyming game” because she thought she was hilarious with her little rhymes. ARGH IM SO WEIRD BECAUSE OF HER! Love you, mom.

 

I’m a sad, sad vegan :(

Since I am trying to vegan my way to skinny (and it’s totally working, btdubs), I haven’t been making many butter-laden delicacies. My diet consists of a lot of fruits and vegetables and then some more fruits and vegetables AND THEN just when I think I am going to die of healthy sadness, I treat myself to chipotle since it’s technically vegan.

I only have to deal with this for this many more:

15	days
378	hours
22717	minutes
1363028	seconds

Since I don’t drink and I don’t eat fun food my life is pretty dull. Unless you consider spending an entire weekend watching Gossip Girl AWESOME, in which case my life is totally freaking awesome.

For Easter, this happened: http://www.joyofbaking.com/FruitTart.html

It was my first fruit tart so I didn’t get fancy with it. I also made it at 7am on a Sunday so it’s impressive that I actually completed it. I thought it was lovely. Next time I’m thinking a lemon custard instead of pastry cream.

OH! OH! OH! Last night I went to see the All American Rejects, I re-love them just as much as I did in high school. It was a really fun show…even though my friend and I were significantly older than everyone there. As in, we didn’t get dropped off/picked up by Mom and Dad…

I ❤ you Tyson Ritter and I would gladly have your babies.

Speaking of people I love…

BFF and I are going to see Aziz Ansari in June! So…in two months when I can’t find my ticket…this is proof that I had it. 

Lastly, I love it when my mother sends me a box full of random things she doesn’t want any more.

That’s about all folks. I’m just going to spend the next two weeks sad and hungry. Lick some butter for me?

xoxo,

Mae

How is it already April?

I have been neglectful of this blog because I’ve been (98%) vegan for the past month. Consequently, I haven’t been baking much.

More importantly, I go to Paris in:

28	days
691	hours
41471	minutes
2488295	seconds

I am real excited.

Between veganism and learning French (watching French movies and google mapping Paris), I managed to do/eat these things:

 

I used these things to make a cake for my boss’ birthday….because I am a terrible assistant and need to make up for that in cake.

The finished product was a chocolate stout cake with baileys swiss meringue buttercream topped with a jameson ganache. I didn’t eat any of it, but my bosses told me that I should quit them and make cakes for a living. I guess they liked it.

These are chocolate vegan cupcakes. The cake part was great and I will definitely make it again. I found it in my MS cupcake book. The frosting was…painfully sweet and…gross (Shortening, confectioners sugar, vanilla and almond milk. Guinea pig 1 agreed that the frosting was poopoo but guinea pig 2 was like “vegan, what? frooooosting, mmmmm.”

Buffalo “chicken” wings. I deep fried tofu and it was awesome. It’s probably best that I don’t use my deep fryer all that often, its just so dangerous.

Ch-ch-ch-chia! I eat chia seeds for breakfast most mornings. But I want to make sure I really stress this point because it is important: chia seeds are really fucking weird. You add water or milk to them and let them sit for a few minutes and they get all…jelly. Totally weird.

Vegan pizza. I used shredded Daiya cheese for the first time and it was great! …until it was cold. The daiya “cheese” got all soggy and squishy and gross. Cold pizza is my favorite thing and this ruined it.

Coconut milk ice cream. Also weird, but not bad. It takes some getting used to but it satisfies my craving for ice cream AND I don’t want to eat the whole pint at once. So that’s good.

Whole Food’s cold bar rocks my little vegan world. I do random drop-bys to see if they have any more of those vegan wontons. They were life changing. Life. Change. Ing. Also, I’ve eaten that seitan marsala at least 5 times.

NON VEGAN!  YEAH! I needed to bring something to a friend’s house for Game of Thrones night. I had left over guinness cupcakes so I filled them with a jameson creme (holy moly could you taste the whiskey!).

Then I topped them with a simple Baileys buttercream and sugar pearls because I am fucking fancy.

I have secured my invite back for next week. Seriously, I only have friends because I can bake.

I can’t wait to go to France and stop being a vegan. I need to put cheese in my face so bad. SO BAD! GET IN MY FACE CHEESES!!!!!

An apple will have to do for now 😦

 

Mae

 

Veganism and Non-Vegan Cake

10 Reasons why I am going to be vegan (sometimes)

1. To achieve better overall health.
2. Eggs and I are currently on the outs.
3. No more accidental bites of gristle (I shudder just thinking about that).
4. Because I am creepy and JM is a part-time vegan and I kinda want to be her. (A lot)
5. Every time I type vegan, I spell it v-e-g-a-s. Literally every single time. And that is pretty awesome.
6. To be thinner
7. Fruits and veggies are delicious
8. Almond milk > cow titty milk
9. Also, so I never type “cow titty milk” because that’s weird.
10. I don’t need to eat nearly as much cheese as I currently do.

This hasn’t started yet, but it WILL. Tomorrow night when my groceries get delivered! (Yes, I do live one block away from safeway and 3 blocks from whole foods but still insist on ordering my groceries online.)

One of my most favorite friends recently celebrated her 25th birthday. I made the birthday cake for her surprise party, since that is pretty much all I am good for. Now, as much as I hate to toot my own horn, the cake was really fucking good and I wanted a lot more than the dainty ladylike slice I gave myself.

The BEST part about cakes is I can’t “forget” a couple pieces of it at home that I “accidentally” shovel into my face later on. Stupid cupcakes.

Funfetti Butter Cake with Vanilla Buttercream

2 c all purpose flour
1 Tbs baking powder
1/2 tsp salt
3/4 c butter, room temperature
1 1/2 c sugar
2 tsp vanilla extract
1 c milk
5 large egg whites, room temperature
¼ c multi-colored nonpareils or jimmies (balls or sticks for the less fancy) and by “1/4 c” I mean I didnt measure at all I just went “AAHAHAHHHHHHHH SPRINKLES!>!>>!>”

I HATE WRITING RECIPES YOU JERKS.

Preheat at 350F. Grease 2 9” round pans and LINE THEM WITH PARCHMENT PAPER. This is really important. It might seem like an annoying, unnecessary step but you’re wrong. There is nothing worse than trying to remove a cake from a pan and it’s all like, “Nope.” And then it crumbles into a thousand pieces of cake. Main point, unless you are going to be making cake balls, line your goddamn pan.

Sift together flour, baking powder and salt. In another bowl mix butter until its fluffy and then mix in the sugar and then vanilla.  Alternately beat in the flour mixture and the milk.

In ANOTHER bowl beat 5 egg whites until you have stiff peaks. Gently fold it in the cake batter.

And then, delicately mix in your desired amount of sprinkles.

Pour into your greased and LINED cake pans and bake for…until they are done minutes. Just keep an eye on it and test it with a tooth pick.

Let them cool before assembling cake.

Vanilla Buttercream

1 c (2 sticks) butter (room temp)
2 lbs confectioners suger
½ c milk
2 T vanilla extract
a couple drops of your desired color because white frosting is boring.

Beat together butter and sugar and then add milk and vanilla. Add the color when its done.

And then frost yo cake!

This has nothing to do with cake or being vegan, but whenever you guys make fun of me for being a crazy cat lady just remember that I am not crazy enough for my friends to make me a cat shaped collage made from cat pictures.

xo,

mae

Delicious Chocolate Cupcakes with Vanilla Bean SMBC

Masturbation.

Before you get cupcakes we need to talk about masturbation.  Generally speaking, I have Masturbation filed away under “Bodily Functions” aka “Things I will not talk about ever and I get abnormally (even for me) awkward if you make me.” Recent events have forced me to acknowledge masturbation and it has become an integral part of my daily life. Literally daily. Masturbation happens every. single. day. *shudder*

I found my roommate on Craiglist. She was fine to live with, extremely, EXTREMELY smart and also liked cats. She’s married but her husband lives out of the country for work. I’ve met the guy several times and he’s great. He is also EXTREMELY smart. (We’re talking cutting open brains and trying cure diseases smart)

Around the beginning of February, everything changed. She started having phone sex multiple times every day. I really want to stress that this happens EVERYDAY. The first time it happened I simply thought “gee, I’m sure she misses her husband, this was bound to happen eventually” so I popped in my ear buds and went to sleep. A few hours later when I woke up, they were still going at it.

I didn’t see her for over a week (she was locked in her room doing…you know) but when she finally emerged from her den  of phone love, she told me allllllllll about how she decided to divorce her husband for a man she met on the internet. What? My roommate is a neuroscientist and he is a front desk clerk at a hotel.

We live in a tiny apartment and I think the builders may have forgotten to use any insulation because I can hear everything. (And the time she accidentally left her door open, I could really hear everything.)

Since the phone is always on speaker (hands free!), I am now very accustomed to the sound of his orgasm. He’s from Omaha so he’s being referred to as Oh-Oh-OHHHHHHHHmaha in my group of friends. I hate my life so hard sometimes.

I just wish I could make you all feel as awkward as I have been feeling.

To avoid reality, I have been frequenting the gym every evening and running the mixer which is where cupcakes come into play.

Chocolate Cupcakes

adapted from this sexy lady

• 3/4 cup unsweetened extra dark cocoa powder (you can use regular)
• 1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
• 1 1/2 cups sugar
• 1 1/2 teaspoons baking soda
• 3/4 teaspoon baking powder
• 3/4 teaspoon salt
• 2 large eggs
• 3/4 cup warm water
• 3/4 cup buttermilk –> I used faux-buttermilk (3/4c almond milk +1 T lemon Juice)
• 4 tablespoons melted butter
• 1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract

Preheat oven to 350F and line your muffin tin. Combine all the ingredients and fill the liners 2/3ish full.

Bake for 12-15 minutes or until a tooth pick comes out clean. Approximately. My oven is wonky so they baked pretty quickly. Rotate halfway through baking.

Let them cool for about 10 minutes and then set them on a wire rack to finish cooling.

Vanilla Bean Swiss Meringue Buttercream (aka best frosting ever)

5 egg whites

1.5 c sugar

1lb (4 sticks) butter (Room temp, cut into tablespoons. it will warm up faster and is easier to add to mixture)

pinch of salt

1 t vanilla extract

1 vanilla bean

First off, you do not have to use the vanilla bean, but it does make the frosting that much more incredible.

Split open your bean and scoop out the caviar. Combine it in a bowl with your sugar. (Note: it’s best if you run the caviar/sugar through a food processor and then strain it otherwise you might have clumps of seeds and some stringy bits of the pod mixed in) add the eggs whites to the bowl and mix. Place the bowl over a pot of simmering water (Another note: the bottom of the bowl should not touch the water) and whisk it constantly until all the sugar is dissolved. (More notes: stick your fingers into the bowl and rub the mixture between two fingers, when you can no longer feel the granules of sugar you are good to go!)

Remove the bowl from the heat and whip the mixture until it cools. You can feel the bottom of the bowl for the temp. The egg and sugar mixture is going to be thick and frothy and it is time to add the butter. Add 1-2 pats of butter and whip until fully incorporated and then add another 1-2 pats. Repeat until you have used ALL the butter. Add in your pinch of salt and vanilla extract. (Note: I skip the salt since I use salted butter. Apparently you’re not supposed to use salted butter but I do what I want, bitches. Unsalted butter is gross.) And it’s done!

Now, if you havent made a SMBC before you may come across some issues. I made it last Summer for the first time and freaked out because it was runny and looked NOTHING like what I saw on the internet. (I had made a 5-layer cake so it called for a TON of frosting and 9 sticks of butter. Nine. As in 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, NINE sticks) But since the internet has everything I found out that all I needed to do was stick in the fridge for about 30 minutes and then re-whip it. Worked perfectly.  Alternatively, the frosting can look like it’s separating (looks disgusting), but don’t freak out just keep on whipping it and it will come together. I promise!

Now that your frosting is done you can pipe it onto your cupcakes or spread it or spoon it into your face. I dont give a shit what you do with it.

I ate 3 of these stupid things and then curled into a ball and cried about what a fatty I am and then I felt too guilty to go to the gym which just made me feel guiltier and fattier and I deserved to just lie around the apartment like a sad blob listening to my roommate and oh-oh-ohhhmaha having phonesex all day and night.

xo,

Mae

ps. since a sane person might accidentally read this, yeah I know I could say something to her about being too loud….but that’s more awkwardness than I could bear.

Recipe for sad, lonely single girls

Recipe for sad, lonely single girls who aren’t supposed to be eating carbs (especially after yesterday’s cupcakes….I’ll write about that later).

I want a roll. A roll. Just one, not a fucking dozen. Why? Because I would eat all twelve of them and LIKE it.

I searched the Internet high and low (first couple pages of google) looking for a recipe for one single roll. Why don’t people just want to make one roll? I don’t have 4 children (thank you, baby j), friends over or a desire to get fatter. Am I the only person like this???

Since I am awesome, I decided I would make my own recipe. And then, I did it. I know, awesome.

The recipe resulted in 2 rolls and I can live with that.

Single-Girl Rolls

1/2 T yeast
1/2 T sugar
1/4 c warm water
Combine and allow to get all foamy for approx 10 minutes

Mix in:
1 T egg (it’s one third of an egg. Did you know there were 3T of egg in an egg? Now you do.)
1 T butter
Pinch of salt
3/4 c + 2 T flour

Knead briefly cause your too lazy for lots of kneading. Lightly oil a bowl and let the dough rise in a nice warm spot cause you loooove it like a baby.

Knead it again (for a while this time) and separate into two even balls allow the rolls to rise. I stuck them in a lightly warmed over for about an hour.

Brush some butter on top of the rolls and add some sesame or poppy seeds if it suits you.

Preheat oven to 350F (take the rolls out first) and bake for approximately 12 minutes or until the are golden brown (and not burned).

Top one with BBQ pulled chicken and eat it while watching the walking dead, because wtf else would you be doing on a Sunday night? Oh golly, please don’t say watching the Oscar’s because that would make you sooooo lame. Ugh.

Mae

The Hanger-Tangle and How It Took Over My Closet.

or, How I was almost featured on Hoarders…..

Click here for a photo that is awesome and applicable but stupid wordpress wont put it in my stupid blog post. Talk about first world problems. 

I moved into my current apartment back in June. It’s fine, nothing too special (except for the connected bathroom which makes me the happiest person in the whole world – I constantly get undressed to shower before I realize there are no towels in the bathroom, so it’s nice to have that extra privacy).

The house I lived in before had a tiny closet. TINY, tiny. It was sad, but I eventually adapted…in time to move again.

The closet in my current apartment is by no means huge, but is much, much larger than what I had previously. When I moved in and begin the torturous process of unpacking, I discovered that the previous tenant left behind clothes hangers.

I KNOW, you are probably thinking “Score! I never have enough clothes hangers!!” Wrong. Wrong, wrong. There were so many hangers hanging on the rods that there was no room for mine. Since I was drunk on champagne (how do you unpack?), I decided that I needed to keep all the hangers, you know, just in case my closet doubles in size. YOU NEVER KNOW! I also had grandiose thoughts of buying a freestanding clothing rack (I don’t have space for that nonsense). Going against logic, I decided to pack up all of my hangers and about half of the hangers in the closet into a large trash bag.

I then had a massive, awkward bag of hangers….and no place to put it. Closet floor it was!

The bag was fine for a few weeks and somehow the bag sprung a leak. Before I knew it, the hangers had breached their packaging and created a massive hanger-tangle on my closet floor.

I really did try to stop the hanger-tangle before it got out of hand, but I would pick up one hanger and the whole hanger-tangle would come at me. So, I did the next best thing: ignored it and more drank champagne.

The hanger-tangle prevented me from actually going into my closet because if I stepped on the hanger-tangle I would be acknowledging its existence….also I might not make it back out (Cause of death:  Hanger-Tangle-Strangulation. Also, cat ate her face off.) I would have to precariously lean in and out to hang clothes up or find something to wear (whatever, I’m used to being awkward). If I dropped something and wasn’t able to catch it mid-fall, it was gone. A silk shirt slipped through my fingers? Gone, the hanger-tangle had it now. Shoes? No, I don’t have any shoes in here, the hanger-tangle does though.

The hanger-tangle had completely taken over my closet and I didn’t know what to do. I stopped hanging things in my closet. My shoes lived scattered all over the place (okay, that has nothing to do with the hanger-tangle). The elephant in the room had gotten so big that there was only one logical thing that I could do. I closed my closet door never to be opened again.

 

Sunday, February 19, 2012  03:35am

I decided to reopen the hive my closet and see what had gone wrong. My worst fear was that the hanger-tangle would have multiplied and maybe even become self-aware??!? I went in (don’t freak out, I brought Cat with me as backup. Besides, if I was going to die in there, I didn’t want her to starve.) and was pleasantly surprised to find that the hanger-tangle had not gotten any larger, but it was still incredibly daunting.

I untangled my clothes. I untangled my shoes. I untangled my bags. I untangled those hangers.

And then, I did what I should have done on my first day there, what I should have done when the trash bag broke, what I should have done when I sealed off my closet.

I THREW THOSE WORTHLESS PLASTIC FUCKS AWAY!

I threw away 2 whole bags of plastic hangers.

I no longer have a hanger-tangle in my closet. More importantly, I no longer have to worry about maybe having to explain what the fuck a hanger-tangle is doing in my closet.

 

Here are some life-flaws you may have picked up on:

– I drink too much champagne (I don’t really…I drink too much of ALL alcohol, it’s being given up for lent)

– I don’t like to deal with hanger-tangles (problems) in life

– I’m the opposite of organized (well, WAS, my closet is awesome right now)

– I do my spring cleaning between 11pm and 5am on Saturday nights.

– Yes, my cat and I are single….how’d you know?

Juicing makes me sad.

Since I am a crazy person, it makes perfect sense that I decided to do a juice fast. Fat Sick and Nearly Dead – watch it, it’s absolutely worth your time. If you are anything like me, be careful. You may promptly decide to buy a juicer and fast.

I love my little juicer. He is cute and small and I feel like he needs my love. (I predict him breaking in under a month, I like it rough with my appliances.)

Anyway, screw juice.

Juice is nice every once in a while and is a wonderful way to make sure you get multiple servings of fruits and veggies.  It is however STUPID when it’s all you get to “eat.” Stupid.

Last night, I needed to stop buy the grocery store to buy more beets** and I had to walk right past the chicken strips. I FUCKING LOVE CHICKEN STRIPS!! (<— hey, maybe one of the reasons why I am a fatass????) And furthermore, it is stupid Bagel-Day in the office. Stupidstupidstupid.

This is extra hard because I don’t have anyone else to blame for my misery. This is all my doing. I really like blaming other people for my problems, it makes me feel good.

So, whatever, I’m sad but I’ll be healthy. Ugh.

M

** Beets make my urine super red. It is disturbing and weird. TMI – you’re welcome.

Almond Milk

Holy balls. I am never drinking regular milk ever again*.

It’s healthy and delicious and I love it!

XO

 

 

* Does not apply to baking. I am more than happy to make my friends fat. xoxo